There has been so much change in my life over the last two years. Most of if changes in me. To be honest with you, I was starting to drown. Finally admitting to that was difficult, because I pride myself in making it through life without letting it affect my mental well being.
It is difficult being the main source of income in a town where the cost of living is outrageous, but thanks to my amazing boss, I have a job I love. She is not only my boss, but my friend, and I am so grateful for her, and my Barlow family. Making ends meet in a small tourist town is difficult, but at least I get to have a great time, with great people while doing it.
3 (or was it 4?) years ago I started on a journey to get healthier. I wanted to be here for the long haul. Too many people rely on me to let me lose my life to my weight. The struggle has been both physical, and mental. My body has fought losing, my mind has let me slip up, and go back to my old way SO MANY TIMES. Finally, in May, I decided to have surgery. On one hand, I am happy that I am finally losing the weight. I am at a weight that is lower than I can remember as an adult. On the other hand, I don't recognize the person in the mirror anymore. I truly feel like a stranger is staring back at me. I have no idea how to dress me, or put on makeup. Things that I loved doing in the past. To top it off, My skin sags, and hangs. I am finally starting to realize that being healthy doesn't equate to sexy. That's OK. I might never be able to afford to get the skin fixed, but in the long run it doesn't matter. I know that my friends, my husband, and my family love me for me, and have supported me through every single day of this battle. I am so grateful for all of you! I know there have been days I have been less than pleasant, and yet you are still there.
It's the small things too. I got braces, they have not only changed my teeth, but they have changed the shape of my face. I am having to relearn how to smile, and the changes aren't even done. I'm hoping to get them off in February, but that will lead to even another change. My husband's disability is causing him to rely on me more, and more to help him. I love helping him, but I know that this has to be playing on his mind, and there are times when I get frustrated. I wish I knew how to make him understand my frustration is me, not him. Most is not all of the house maintenance fall in my lap, and because I am the type of person that finds asking for help difficult, it adds up.
Now, before you think that I am just writing a bitch fest, let me reassure you that this is not the case. I have so many things in my life I am grateful for, I just found myself forgetting about those things. I found the trials of life starting to overwhelm the positives. This morning, I woke up with a new perspective. I'm not sure what changed, but it's time to step out of the shadows, and start enjoying life, and not letting my personal trials overcome the positives. I'm not perfect, I'm never going to be perfect, and somehow I forgot that no one expects perfection from me no matter how much I expect it from myself.
From this day, I am going to try to find the positive, happy person that I know I am again. If ends don't quite meet, I'll figure it out. If the person looking back at me from the mirror looks like a stranger, I'll just get to know her. I'll find the right smile, be more patient with my husband, and try to ask for help when I get overwhelmed with the house. But most of all, I am going to wake up each morning, and try to choose being happy. Take one task at a time, and do the best I can. That's really all any of us can do.