|This is me at my start.. kind of... I don't have any|
exact shots because I avoided the camera like the
Who am I? Well, I'm not the fat girl you see in the picture. Not inside anyway. I found something that I wrote in a journal a few years ago that is a good description of how I see myself:
"I hate the feeling that you get when you feel as though you have disappointed someone close to you. It's that hard knot in your chest and the burning behind your eyes. It's worse when there's nothing you can do to change the situation. Maybe it's worse for me because I felt like I disappointed everyone for so long. It's a wound that never heals. That one little thing I've never been able to get over. That one issue that makes me cry out "POOR ME" when I know I shouldn't.
I try not to be a disappointment to those I love. I try to a fault at times I think. Almost to the point that I forget that I have a right to feel how I feel and do what I do. Unfortunately I am the type of person that will carry a burden alone, not ask for help, and hide my pain in an effort to make those around me happy. To NOT be the one that causes disappointment in their life.
I'm not saying that I fake my happiness, that's not true! I am happy, completely and totally happy in my life and with who I am. The only time that this comes in to question is when I think I may have hurt someone I love even if I didn't mean it.
You see, I think everyone assumes I am pretty level headed that I just "roll with the punches" and, for the most part I would have to agree with them. But what is not seen, what I don't show, is the passion behind each feeling that I have. The true amount of feeling that I possess. To compound that, I feel what you feel too. I feel your pain, anger, disappointment, sadness, happiness, joy, and love with the same passion. I have always been that way. I can't explain it, it's just my lot.
I don't even know the point of what I am writing tonight. Maybe it's just what I'm feeling right now, or the need to have people understand me and where I am coming from. So, I guess if it was you I have disappointed I’m sorry, really truly sorry. If it’s you I disappoint in the future, know that it was not done with malice."
All of that being said, I will now give you the obligatory background and a more "normal" view of who I am. I am thirty-seven years old (when I started this blog) and live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, Moab, Utah (if you haven't ever been here you totally should!). I am happily married to an amazing man (Read his blog at www.wordpress.com/moabdave) and am finally in a place that I am ready to take care of myself in the way I should have been all along.
Please join me, The Recovering Fat Chick, as I journey to lose weight and adopt a healthier more active lifestyle.